


My Life Transcribed

by Shir0_Tamaya



Series: Our Bond Not Even Death Can Break [2]
Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Death, Diary/Journal entries, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Lots of Hurt, Prequel, Some comfort, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-06-25 09:08:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19742554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shir0_Tamaya/pseuds/Shir0_Tamaya
Summary: A Prequel to Dear Roselia.What happened before the letters? What happened during the time when she was writing them?This is the story of a girl, one that was concealed in a veil of water...NOTE: First part is just a preview





	1. Preview!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally wasn’t gonna do a preview, but I decided to do so! I’m interested to see what your impressions are of my little project!

(Lisa POV)

“We expect you’ll have 2 more years to live.”

That’s what they told the last time I visited the hospital. Quite harsh, right? But, with the results they received, there truly was no way to reassure me or my parents I could get better. All they had was the truth, and as much as it pained them, there was no possible hope.

This was my reality: I was going to die much sooner than anyone else. I wasn’t going to make it to college. I’d be lucky if I managed to get through all of high school without having to live in and out of the hospital.

And why exactly was I running out of time?

A terminal illness.

The doctors didn’t know how I contracted the disease. In fact, that was what concerned them the most, not that I was dying, but that there was no explanation to how I got sick. I’ll admit, I felt a bit offended that they showed less concern for my inevitable death and more so towards finding an answer for research. It was in the pursuit to try to save others, but they could’ve at least tried to act for me.

Eventually, I had to tell them to stop treating me like some test subject. They didn’t realize they were making me feel uncomfortable and apologized profusely, which I accepted, but I couldn’t help but feel a tad down.

They truly didn’t believe they could do anything to save me. Right from the start, they had no hope to save my life. All they could guarantee was that my last years would be as comfortable and normal as they could make them.

I was simply told to the truth that I had no future.

I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom, my face devoid of my usual smile.

“I guess I should just accept it, huh...?”

My voice trailed off as I began to think about what I just said.

“Accept it...?”

Ha, how laughable.

If only it could be that easy.

_“Dear Diary,_

_Today I found out I’m going to die in 2 years.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look forward to the full release!


	2. My Life Transcribed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, sorry this took so long to post! As you can tell though, I spent a ton of time writing this. I mean, look at the flippin word count (this is past me, I don’t know what the word count even is lol). I didn’t even realize how much I wrote. This is gonna be a lot for all you to read so definitely get a snack and some tea or coffee and buckle down for a long ride.  
> So anyway... yeah, I decided to do a prequel. When I wrote Dear Roselia, I did struggle a bit since I never wrote about what happened before the letters occurred. I had to create the plot from my head and in the end, the story, while I was happy with the outcome, still felt very incomplete.  
> So now I’m going to give you the story of Imai Lisa, when her clock began to count down to zero, before all the letters.  
> There are elements of my own way of thinking I’ve incorporated into this, mainly because I feel like they could work with Lisa’s character. I also used one idea from Your Lie In April, so credit to the show for that scene I’ve decided recreate.  
> Also for a better explanation of the time line I’m using, Roselia’s 1 year anniversary is gonna be after SMS, so by that point, they’ve grown super close and are more friendly, aka, shit is more painful.

(Lisa POV)

“We expect you’ll have 2 more years to live.”

That’s what they told the last time I visited the hospital. Quite harsh, right? But, with the results they received, there truly was no way to reassure me or my parents I could get better. All they had was the truth, and as much as it pained them, there was no possible hope.

This was my reality: I was going to die much sooner than anyone else. I wasn’t going to make it to college. I’d be lucky if I managed to get through all of high school without having to live in and out of the hospital.

And why exactly was I running out of time?

A terminal illness.

The doctors didn’t know how I contracted the disease. In fact, that was what concerned them the most, not that I was dying, but that there was no explanation to how I got sick. I’ll admit, I felt a bit offended that they showed less concern for my inevitable death and more so towards finding an answer for research. It was in the pursuit to try to save others, but they could’ve at least tried to act for me.

Eventually, I had to tell them to stop treating me like some test subject. They didn’t realize they were making me feel uncomfortable and apologized profusely, which I accepted, but I couldn’t help but feel a tad down.

They truly didn’t believe they could do anything to save me. Right from the start, they had no hope to save my life. All they could guarantee was that my last years would be as comfortable and normal as they could make them.

I was simply told the truth that I had no future.

I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom, my face devoid of my usual smile.

“I guess I should just accept it, huh...?”

My voice trailed off as I began to think about what I just said.

“Accept it...?”

Ha, how laughable.

If only it could be that easy.

_ “Dear Diary, _

_ Today I found out I’m going to die in 2 years.” _

(A/N: These represent an excerpt of the beginning of the entry. The rest is excluded)

—————

I wanted to talk to Yukina more today, but of course, she escaped the school before I could catch her. She had been even more devoted to her music than usual, heading down to the live houses to perform.

She never smiled, she never laughed. Her face was as cold as ice, her eyes lacking any sort of emotion. When she spoke, her voice was kept monotone, but unlike everyone else, I could hear the agony that laced every word.

My best friend’s single wish was to relight the flame inside her father’s heart for music that was swiftly stolen from him, but by pursuing that goal, she lost her love for music along the way. Music is what gave her life, and it’s also what took everything from her.

It hurt every day to see her like that. I wanted her to smile again like she used to, to sing and actually enjoy what she was doing.

I wanted to end the eternal torment she was putting herself through.

However, I couldn’t do anything in my current position. I had been pushed out of the music world. My way of thinking in her head would not get her to Future World Fes. Fun was not a catalyst, but rather a roadblock.

Yet even so, I wanted to reach out to her.

I wonder... if I told her about my situation... would she spend more time with me?

I pondered the thought. We were childhood friends, and we’d been together for as long as we could remember. I had her back, and she... well... I didn’t know if she had mine, but I certainly knew she’d at least help me if I truly needed it. Or would she?

How much did she actually care about me? Would she actually want to be with me with knowledge that I was dying? Would she even care?

“No Lisa! Yukina’s your friend, of course she’d care! You can’t go guilting her into spending time with you. You have to earn the right back. I have to work for it.”

Indeed, I’d have to work for it. I needed to deserve the right to stand at her side as an equal.

I walked onward to the accessory shop I liked to visit, refueling my drive to help Yukina and be by her side.

However, that selfish thought of earlier wouldn’t fade from my mind or heart. Even I had twisted dark sides.

My body was moving in a different direction, but at the same time, I could feel my hand reaching for the escape hatch.

_ “Dear Diary, _

_ Today I learned how twisted this disease is making me.” _

—————

A band. Yukina was finally doing it.

I learned about it from my friend herself as she told me about getting a guitarist. Her eyes were dead serious, and as much as I was terrified for her to turn back to music after all it had done to her, I knew there was nothing I could do to stop her. She wouldn’t listen to me no matter what I said if it involved music.

I sat in my room, questioning what I could do to help her. My desire was to make Yukina smile again like she used to and support her dream, but I couldn’t do anything from my position. I was a sitting duck as she continued to drift further and further from my reach.

My eyes flickered to the old bass case in the corner of my bedroom. The instrument was safely contained inside while the case was covered in dust. Since Yukina pushed me away from music in middle school, I hadn’t touched my bass from its prime spot in the corner.

If I played again, would she let me back in...?

It was wishful thinking, but it was an option. The issue however, was my skill. I had barely played in middle school, so the last time I tried to seriously play was in elementary. Years of time off from seriously playing bass left me lagging behind the level Yukina wanted for her band. If I was to join her band, it would be by some miracle.

And if there was anything I had learned, it was that the world didn’t give a shit about anyone.

Hoping for a miracle was as idiotic as me trying to be hopeful that someone would find a cure for my illness. It wasn’t feasible, and I had accepted that fact. Or at least, I was able to lie to myself enough to trick myself into accepting it.

I let out a sigh, turning back to my school work. There wasn’t any point pondering it longer.

My role would remain as it had been for the last few years: I’d support Yukina from the sideline and help her with whatever she needed, but I wouldn’t push myself back into her music life.

_ “Dear Diary, _

_ Today I decided to run away from music and Yukina.” _

—————

When I learned Ako wanted to join Yukina’s band, I was certainly surprised, but I didn’t hesitate in giving my junior my full support. However, Yukina was being... well, Yukina, refusing Ako’s request to join, much less audition for the band.

I should’ve kept my mouth shut, after all, it wasn’t my business, and I had no right to interfere or meddle, but the look on the younger girl’s face made my heart melt. And once I saw the sheet music in her hand, I knew I had to help.

But, the last thing I was expecting was to end up in the studio on the basis of watching the audition, and then find myself standing with Yukina again with a bass in my arms.

I wasn’t expecting to play so well despite my years off, and I wasn’t expecting Ako to suggest that I join the band.

The most surprising event was Yukina letting me join.

I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom, recounting the moments in my head. I was part of Yukina’s band. I was back in the music world.

It felt surreal. My mind was on cloud nine and I was going delusional, but that wasn’t the case.

“This is really happening huh...?”

I glanced at my bass, my dusty bass that hadn’t been getting much attention.

I walked over to the corner, brushing the dust off the case and carried it over to my bed.

The sound of the clicking locks brought back memories of buying that bass. I had been so excited. Yukina had been smiling right by my side, and when we opened it at my house, we both had stood there awestruck at the beautiful instrument.

It was a feeling I had every time I looked at the bass.

The brilliant red instrument still shined like it did the day I bought it. There were a few scratches, and the strings were a bit worn down, but other than that, it looked brand new.

I adjusted the strap and felt the familiar weight of my bass back on my shoulder. My lips curved into a grin.

“Alright, let’s see what we can do!”

My fingers aligned themselves, and once again, I allowed myself to enter the world of music.

_ “Dear Diary, _

_ Today I found happiness in this world again.” _

—————

With the addition of Rinko, Roselia was finally complete. The name certainly fit the image of a regal, elegant group, perfect for a band aiming towards a professional level.

Practice was harsh with Yukina and Sayo’s strict dynamic of leading, but even so, it was enjoyable. It was invigorating to play by my best friend’s side again, my bass resonating with her vocals. Add Ako’s spunky drumming, Rinko graceful piano and Sayo’s stunning guitar, and you had the perfect band.

Or well, almost perfect. The only imperfection of Roselia was of course me.

It wasn’t some secret, or a detail that the others (aka Yukina and Sayo) tried to keep hidden. They never bluntly stated this fact out loud, however, their constant corrections and practice assignments they gave me did all the talking.

I knew my skill was lacking, but actually hearing them list off all my mistakes and everything I had to improve each practice session really was a hit to my very weak self-esteem.

I gritted my teeth again as another one of my bass strings sliced through my finger. Droplets of blood clung to the gleaming steel, sliding down the smooth surface. With a sigh of frustration, I grabbed my cleaning cloth stained with red and wiped the newly spilled blood.

“That makes this the fifth time now...” I grumbled, reaching out for another band-aid.

I’m going to get an ear full from Yukina once she sees my fingers...

As stoic as that girl was, she struggled to hide her worry when it came to me. Since I couldn’t worry about myself, she did it for me. I knew she simply wanted me to be okay, but it didn’t help my guilty conscience. Having people care and worry about me didn’t help me like it would other people. It was a kind gesture that only made me feel like nuisance.

“Lisa, dinner’s ready!”

My thoughts were interrupted by the clear and sweet voice of my mother. I called back to her, quickly wrapping up my cut and setting my bass back onto the bed.

I stood up, only to have the ground suddenly maneuver itself to my field of view, close up and personal. My body landed with a thud against my carpet floor.

“Huh...?”

I pushed myself up, wobbling ever so slightly. My vision spun, the world becoming an incomprehensible blur. I didn’t understand whatsoever. I had felt fine all day, and then suddenly I was on the floor unable to see properly.

What is happening to me?

Panic rose in me when I tried to stand. My hands pushed me up, but my legs didn’t move. I tried again, and still, no movement. They simply felt numb, dead even.

Calm down Lisa... you’re okay... you’re okay...

I slapped at my ankle a bit, trying to jump-start the muscles or nerves, but I didn’t feel anything.

“Come on... move... move... MOVE!”

Frantically I began hitting my legs, tears running down my face, my pupils dilated and my expression contorted in anger. In my panicked rage, I didn’t even hear my parents burst into the room.

They pried my hands away from my legs, their voices and calls sounding muffled, as if I was underwater. I was trapped in an ocean, where the only voice I could hear was my own screaming.

“YOU’RE MY LEGS, SO WORK DAMN IT!”

“Lisa! Please calm down!”

“STAND! STAND!”

“Focus on our voices Lisa, please calm yourself!”

“Stand... just... please work... why won’t you... why me...?”

My voice died out, my arms falling limply out of my parent’s grip. I felt my mother wrap me in her embrace, and my father’s footsteps rushing out of the room, most likely to call the doctor.

I could hear her soothing words, but along with it, I could hear the emptiness in her voice. That first visit to the hospital had killed something inside my mother, and as much as she loved me and cared for me, I knew there was no hope left in her. The words those doctors had said that day was all she needed to hear to know that the child she loved and was hugging right now would soon be another body in the ground.

My heart sunk as I continued to listen to this melody of darkness consuming my parents.

For others, the scene would’ve looked like two parents caring for their child’s well being.

For my parents, the scene was them simply trying to make the last moments their daughter had on this Earth as bearable as possible, knowing fully that their child was a goner.

For me, the scene was a girl with a hopeless gaze, knowing she lived with two people who could only see her as corpse.

_ “Dear Diary, _

_ Today I was grimly reminded of my reality and the pain I have caused my family.” _

—————

After the incident with my legs, my doctors were monitoring me more heavily than before. Unfortunately, that meant I was going to be trapped at the hospital a lot.

Today was one of those days. I had been dragged back for physical testing. My condition was thankfully stable, no odd numbers or irregular symptoms. However, I was being forced to stay overnight for monitoring much to my displeasure.

I lay in the familiar hospital bed, staring at the white ceiling. The beeping of the heart monitor echoed throughout the room, the sound growing into a monotonous symphony that was driving me mad. If there was anything I hated more than medical testing, it was the heart monitors. It was insanity to listen to for hours on end.

As time passed, my ears eventually toned out the never ending beeps of the machinery, leaving me to my own thoughts. It was an option even less desirable than the monitor.

I was a negative person at heart, although it was hard to see with my cheerful disposition. However, particularly with Roselia, I was the one who said the self deprecating humor and statements the most. Not even Sayo or Yukina at full angst power could match me.

All of them tried to always reassure me, which did help, but I never truly felt better. As proud as I felt to be Roselia’s bassist, I wasn’t proud of my skill. I didn’t feel particularly deserving of my spot. My level of abilities was lower than everyone else, and I certainly wasn’t at a level where they could write more complex scores for the bass line. I wasn’t a beginner, but I wasn’t at the professional level Roselia was striving for.

There was more than just feeling like a burden to Roselia. I didn’t feel like I was doing enough to help my friends. I kept giving and giving, but I still felt like I wasn’t giving enough. I was forever indebted to people who probably wouldn’t understand why I felt indebted to them in the first place.

For me however, it was a simple reason: their love, their kindness, their smiles and laughs. Those few things gave me joy every day, and that happiness that gave my world color and light was something more valuable than anything in the world. They gave me a reason to feel joy, and I was forever in their debt for it. Nothing I do would ever repay what they’ve given me.

It was a pleasant and unpleasant way of thinking. I treasured moments of my life more than others did. Each day had so much meaning to me, like a precious gold coin in a pirate’s chest. However, it constantly made me feel like a failure. I couldn’t repay them no matter what I did, and I felt bad that I couldn’t give back as much as they gave me. It was a constant reminder that I’d never be able to do enough.

So, as I lay in the empty hospital room, the dulled sound of a heart monitor beeping in the background and the moonlight shining through the curtain, I listened to the sound of my thoughts. All the happy memories of the day, reminders for tomorrow, the sound of Roselia’s music, my self loathing, my worthlessness, my weakness, my dead weight to Roselia, my fear of the next medics test results, my body slowly shutting down, blood leaving me, life draining from my eyes, feeling disappearing from my limbs, my fear, my fear, my fear my fear my fear my fear my fear fear fear fear fear fear feat fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear feat fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear f-

“IMAI-SAN!”

My eyes shot open mid scream as my doctor shouted my name. However, I was still disoriented, and in a state of surprise and terror, I flailed my limbs violently, kicking, punching and screaming.

One of the nurses pinned my legs down and another held my arms. My doctor sat by side whispering calmly in my ear “It’s okay” and “You’re safe” and “It was just a nightmare.”

My breathing slowly, but surely began to even out, the heart monitor, which has been going crazy, began to slow down with my heart.

“It’s alright Imai-san... it’s alright...”

“N-No... it’s not...”

The doctor glanced at me in shock but then looked at me with sympathy. I had barely felt the tears rolling down my cheeks. She, in an awkward but sincere way, propped me up and hugged me.

And that’s when I erupted.

I wailed loudly into her shoulder, digging my nails into her body. She flinched mildly, but didn’t pull away. She coaxed me, trying to stop my trembling.

“I d-d-d-don’t... I-I... I don’t want t-t-to d-d-die...” I gasped out between sobs. “I-I...”

“Shhh... just deep breaths... I... I’m upset too. I don’t want you to die... especially when you’re so young...”

Words she had never said, that none of the doctors had said, that not even my parents had said; she was the first one to utter them. None of them had showed me any sympathy, or hope, or desire for me to live. They had all given up hope. I felt alone, scared, unwanted, and finally... finally someone given me the words I needed in this hopeless situation.

I clung to her tighter, not caring how weak I looked, or how scared I felt. I just wanted to savor this love, this care. I needed it so desperately. I needed it to stay sane, to feel like my life did matter.

For the rest of that night, I cried my heart out, my bitter, lonely symphony ringing in the isolated room.

_ “Dear Diary, _

_ Today I cried a lot, but I found a small ray of hope for my future.” _

—————

The way Yukina had looked at me today was unsettling to say the least.

Maybe it was because I had looked extremely tired in the morning.

Maybe it was because Hina reported to her that I could barely focus in class.

Maybe it was because I barely touched my lunch.

Maybe it was because my legs wobbled a bit as she, Ako and I walked to the studio.

Maybe it was because I had messed up so much in practice.

Whatever reason it was, after our session, my best friend looked at me with a gaze I had never seen before. Her eyes seemed to flash between emotions. I saw worry at first, then it flickered to serious, then to cold, and then to something close to anxiety or sadness.

Her words echoed loudly in my mind.

‘Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong?’

I had been frozen in place by those words, I tried to play off my shock. My hand had clenched around my school bag’s handle strap as I gave my friend my best masking smile.

‘What are you saying silly~ Nothing’s wrong, but thank you for the offer of listening!’ is what I had replied with.

Those eyes seemed more intense after I had responded. Her gaze stayed directly... no... she was looking into me. Her eyes seemed to peer into my heart, past my mask, trying to search for the answer I wasn’t letting her see.

Worried she’d try to pry more information out of me, I lied to her, saying I had to hurry home to help around the house, quickly dashing ahead. The moment I had gotten to the safety of my room, I collapsed in my bed, leading me to my current state.

My eyes flickered back and forth, blankly staring at my bedroom ceiling. I listened to the few sounds playing in the background:  ~~she’s going to find out~~ the muffled clanging of kitchen supplies downstairs,  ~~I can’t hide anymore~~ the footsteps of my parents,  ~~I don’t want her pity, I don’t want her worry~~ the soft whirling of the AC,  ~~I don’t want to hurt her too~~ the gentle tick of my clock.

“Aah... as I thought, I can’t stop thinking about it.”

I was scared. The last thing I wanted was to cause Yukina pain. I knew how that girl cared about me, and this information would kill her. I couldn’t tell her, I wouldn’t.

~~ I don’t want her gaze to be the same as my parents. ~~

I didn’t want my final moments in this world to be an agonizing memory in her head. I wanted to create joyful memories with her so that when she looked back, she could smile at the days we spent together. I wouldn’t simply be causing her pain alone.

I refused to hurt her. I refused to hurt everyone in Roselia, even if it meant I had lie. I wasn’t going to let them see or treat me any differently than before.

I didn’t care how lonely I was or how scared, how damn terrified I was.

“I have to, for them. After all... they deserve all the happiness in the world.”

_ “Dear Diary, _

_ Today I made up my mind and have chosen to keep my friends ignorant of my disease.” _

—————

The world has its own twisted preference of amusement that people don’t acknowledge until it ruins their life. Our lives are mini stage plays for it to watch and bend to its sick ideas. The suffering of humanity is what makes it amused, and yet, even after one play, it’s never satisfied. Some plays it leaves alone, others, it manipulates. I was already its target, and when I finally thought I was free of it: grasp, I was once again thrown back onto its special stage.

We had just gone through hell and back together with SMS and despite the struggle, we had grown closer together as friends and bandmates. Roselia truly felt like a second home to me and the members like family. Heck, I knew for a fact that I was falling for Sayo, which was certainly strange considering I still had a life long love for Yukina. My emotions were in disarray, but finally acknowledging I had romantic feelings made me feel giddy and warm inside. I had wanted to fall in love ever since I learned what romance was, but when it came to admitting it to myself, I always shied away. Having that life long dream fulfilled was certainly satisfactory. I knew little me would be proud!

Rinko and I had grown to be close friends. It took a lot of effort, but I finally broke down her shy walls. I knew she had been a bit overwhelmed by personality at first (for someone like her, I was a lot to take in), but I truly didn’t realize how intimidating I was for her until she warmed up to me. She was still soft spoken and relatively quiet, but the pianist seemed much more comfortable and relaxed when we talked or hung out.

Ako had become my little buddy. Her jokes had begun to make more sense to me (I had explored her realm of gaming a bit more) and I had even joined in a bit with her chuunibyou speaking as childish as it was. I felt a bit jealous of Tomoe for having such an awesome, dorky and cute little sister. It made me a bit sad that I was an only child, but then again, if I did have a sister, she’d be suffering the same fate my parents were.

Our bond had become something stronger than words could describe. It had even transcended what actions could express. The best way to describe it was unbreakable. Of course, that single word didn’t truly describe it, but I didn’t have any better way to depict it.

As I strummed at my bass, adjusting the strings, my mind kept wandering back to that idea. Phrases and words came into mind but none fit.

“-isa? Lisa, are you paying attention?”

I snapped out of my trance and was met with Yukina’s mildly concerned gaze. I laughed slightly, scratching my cheek.

“Haha, sorry I wasn’t! What were you saying?”

My friend furrowed her brow further.

“I said we were going to run through Determination Symphony and LOUDER.”

“Ah, alright. Sorry for not paying attention.”

I made the final adjustments to my bass and motioned to our vocalist that I was all set. She still looked worried but turned away from me and focused on her mic.

“1, 2, 3!”

Ako’s drum sticks clacked together and the familiar sound of Sayo’s guitar echoed in the studio. Her playing was always so powerful and precise. Every ounce of her practice was clear when she played.

Ah I missed my entrance.

I quickly listened to where Sayo was playing and reentered. When Yukina came in, I realized her voice sounded softer than usual. I took another second to listen and found that everyone’s playing sounded quiet. It was strange but I didn’t question it.

At my singing part, my voice was the same. I could feel the quiver of my voice, and yet the was sound was almost inaudible. I tried to focus on my bass but ended up with the same result.

What’s happening? Is the amp broken? Is my mic malfunctioning?

My hands fumbled about, trying to play the song but unable to figure out what part we were even at. I tried to listen for Sayo or Yukina’s entrances but everything was too muffled.

This... no... what the hell? First my legs, now my ears?! The moment I’m free from suffering emotionally you decide to come back to torment me?!

I strummed harder on my bass, trying to play loud enough to hear something. I tried turning the amp volume up louder, but still nothing. It was all muffled as if my ears had been consumed by the ocean, murky and distant.

Something touched my arm, but I couldn’t even focus on who or what it was. My mind was in a panic, screaming at me to fix the irregularities of my body. My finger erratically moved, pounding on the bass strings which were slowly being coated in a layer of blood.

“Work... WORK DAMNIT! STOP! JUST STOP DOING THIS!”

Those were the words I said, but I couldn’t hear any of it. It was all a blur. A cacophony of muffled sounds, ringing and rampaging thoughts.

I kept fighting against this force I knew I couldn’t land a finger on. There was no winning against my disease, yet my survival instincts and panic were telling me to resist until I dropped dead.

I almost did so.

My vision swirled and sensation numbed. I fell to my knees but I couldn’t feel the pain of the impact or hear the sound of the thud. My racing thoughts grew further away until finally, they all disappeared into the dark.

**********

When my eyes fluttered open, I could remember distinctly seeing a field of gold. I had tried to enter it, but something pulled me away. I didn’t know what, but when I was dragged away, my scenery changed and now, I was staring at a white ceiling instead of seeing the floor of studio.

“LISA-NEEEEEEEE!”

The voice snapped me out of my post unconscious daze and while I was grateful for the hug from Ako, her booming voice made my ears ring. I winced as I sat up, wrapping my arms around the smaller girl.

“Whoa Ako! Lots of enthusiasm I see,” I said, doing my best to mask the dull pain in my head.

“I-I... I was really worried...”

My eyes widened as she sobbed into my chest, clutching onto me as if I was about to vanish right then and there.

“Ako...?”

I stroked the girl’s hair, doing my best to comfort her in the sudden outburst.

Why is she- oh...

I had a S.N. attack, and then passed out...

So this must be the hospital then...

A S.N. attack, short for sensation nullification, was any moment some form of sensation temporarily vanished. It was a symptom unique to my illness. Hearing, feeling in limbs or any part of the body, vision, smell: those were all types of S.N. attacks that could occur. Unfortunately, it seemed that during a S.N. attack, I would be stirred into a severe panic attack.

I took my gaze off of Ako and was met with three more sets of eyes. Rinko was sitting down in the chair closest to the door. A little table with a box of tissues, or what was a box of tissues, was beside her. Yukina was near my feet, obviously having fell asleep waiting for me to wake up. Meanwhile, Sayo was next to my bed side as well, sitting in a chair right near my pillow. 

“Yukina, Sayo, Rinko...”

“W-We were r-r-really scared Imai-san...” Rinko blubbered out, her eyes swollen from crying earlier. The guitarist nodded in agreement, her shoulders quivering ever so little. A pang of guilt shot through me. I let go of Ako, feeling as if I didn’t deserve to hold her any longer.

My gaze fell into my lap. “I... I’m really sor-AH?!”

I yelped as Yukina’s hand grabbed my foot. It was icy cold against my warm skin.

“Y-Yukina...?” I stammered.

“Don’t apologize... we’re just happy you’re okay.”

I could tell she was trying to mask her fear, not just from her trembling hand, but the sound of her voice. It was weak and fragile, like a thin piece of glass that could break at any moment.

All of my friends were in disarray, overwhelmed by fear and worry, and it was all my fault.

I was careless. I didn’t take my meds this morning because I was too distracted by how happy I was about SMS, and now look at me: I’ve been hospitalized, my friends are not remotely emotionally okay, the S.N. attack probably weakened my body even more than it already was from my illness, and now I have no choice but to tell my friends more about my situation that I had sworn to spare them from!

I cursed softly under my breath. Everything was just falling apart. It was all controlled, sitting in the palms of my hands, and before I knew it, it slipped from my fingers.

I shook my head. “No Yukina, I do need to apologize. I’m sorry for not saying anything. I didn’t want you guys to find out... especially not like this...”

I had to speak. While I could still hide the terminal side of my illness and my inevitable death, the cage that protected me from saying anything was gone. I was going to be forced to cough up information regardless of whether they asked now or not.

I just had a gut feeling that this time, the hospital was going to see me for awhile.

**********

My band fellow members had left the room after I told them about my illness. I left out the fact that it was lethal and terminal, but I gave them most of the other details about it. They seemed shocked, and yet, they didn’t ask many questions at all. Only four times did they interrupt me to ask something or clarify information. After I told my tale, they said they forgave me and hoped I felt better, mentioning at the end that they would visit me tomorrow. Apparently the doctors had told them I was going to stay for awhile. I had made them swear not to tell anyone, unless they had my permission, about my terminal illness. Based on my friends’ reactions, I was glad at the very least that they kept their promise.

A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. I called them in, and my main doctor along with a nurse entered.

“Imai-san, how are you feeling?”

I gave them an empty chuckle. “I’ve had better days. I don’t feel terrible, but certainly not well.”

“We’ll be sure to get you some medication to help with any remaining pain you have. This S.N. attack was more intense than the last one, so you may feel some aftershocks from it.”

Well that’s just great...

I grumbled unhappily as my doctor shot me an apologetic smile. “I know it’s not ideal, but thankfully it shouldn’t impact your limbs or senses too greatly. However, you’re going to have to stay a few days for tests before we can decide what we’ll have you do. We’ve already done some while you were unconscious 

More tests... yay...

I sighed again as I waved my doctor out, along with the nurse. At the very least, I knew I should be okay, but it didn’t make it any less unnerving. There was something about being at the hospital that would always make me on edge.

“Guess it’s waiting time now...”

**********

I never knew how slowly time could move until now. The last time I had checked my phone, it had only been 5 minutes from the last time. I was sure that it had been an hour or two.

“Ugh, there’s nothing to do here.”

I quickly learned that I couldn’t stare at anything unless I wanted a headache. The time checks were the worst. The bright digital screen made everything look blurry and a burning pain formed in the front of my head. I thought I was going pass out there and then.

Without the ability to just stare at something, reading, texting and basically anything on my phone was eliminated. I tried listening to music, but ears started ringing like they were during my S.N. attack. I nearly made my ears bleed when I ripped my earbuds out. I had considered sleeping, but with all the nightmares I knew that would await me, I quickly shot the idea down. All of these little issues were just more stabs in my back reminding me of my weakness.

I wished Roselia had stayed longer. I wanted to hear my friends’ voices. I wanted to feel their warmth. I just wanted to be close to them.

I didn’t want to be alone.

“I miss them...” I mumbled.

But I knew, no matter how close they got to me, I would always be alone. That was the path I chose. I built a wall between me and my friends, and they could get as close as they wanted to me, but that wall would still block that one part of me.

My death was what divided me from them.

I told myself I would never tell them, even if I felt like I was falling apart. I alone would drown in this sea of grief and tears because hurting them would hurt me more than any physical and emotional pain my disease could cause me. 

However, it didn’t make it any less painful.

**********

The world really doesn’t give a shit about anyone. It doesn’t matter how good of a person you are, how much wealth you have, how successful or useless you may be; that is irrelevant in the eyes of the world we live in. Whatever seems the most entertaining to it, is what occurs.

Apparently, my suffering was the most amusing thing to it.

My eyes were wide with shock and despair. It was taking all I could not to simply breakdown into tears right there.

My doctor stood next to me, her eyebrows furrowed in frustration and shame.

I couldn’t even tell if I had heard her right.

“Wh... what did you say...?”

She gritted her teeth, her knuckles turning white as she clutched the clipboard harder.

“You... your lifespan has been shortened... we expect you only have a few more months left... I’m so sorry...”

Sorry...? Just... sorry?

That’s all you have to say...?

“Get out...”

“What did yo-“

“GET OUT!” I screamed.

The woman frantically ran for the door, her wobbly legs nearly causing her to run into the door frame.

When the door shut, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I just let myself breakdown completely.

“Why... what did I do to deserve this... WHY ME?!” I wailed.

Laughter.

It was probably some child outside the hospital, or a patient who had heard a joke, or some program on a tv nearby, but at that moment, it sounded mocking. It was like the world was snickering at my agony.

My slapped my hands to my ears trying to block out the noise.

“SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!”

The laughing grew louder.

“LEAVE ME ALONE!”

I pressed harder but it didn’t disappear.

“JUST STOP! JUst... just... just stop... I’m begging you... please... s-stop...”

However, the end to it was nowhere in sight. All I had was a crumbling floor, opening a hole for the darkness to consume my being.

_ “Dear Diary, _

_ Today, my life was reduced to months.” _

—————

It had only been four days and I already wanted to leave.

Hospital stays were something I had done before for testing. But, never in my life had I been forced to stay for more than an overnight. I was going crazy.

I couldn’t do anything. I was stuck to my bed due to my body, meaning no dance or exercise of any kind. I had my phone but staring at the screen for even thirty seconds made my head pound, a nasty little side effect from the null attack. In general, it hurt to keep my eyes focused on anything for more than a few seconds. Thirty was simply my limit. My visitors (aka Roselia), didn’t come see me until after school, and they usually couldn’t stay long.

I didn’t have people to talk to, I didn’t have any way to entertain myself because of my wonky eyes, and I couldn’t get out of bed.

I wanted to cry.

“UGGGH! I’M SO BORED!” I whined.

I was acting like a spoiled child, but at the very least, I wasn’t having any kind of panic attack or meltdown. Any type of behavior was better than being a panicky depressed mess.

I had been learning how to control my emotions when I was close to snapping, and so far, it was effective. It was extremely draining, but the results were worth it. Breakdowns were less frequent and I felt happier.

I was still bored though. So so bored.

Being bored left me to my thoughts, which were not the most pleasant thing to listen to.

I kept asking myself how I wanted to spend my remaining time and why this had to happen to me. I reminded myself that it was unfair, that I wanted more time, that there were things I still wished to do, things I should have done differently. I kept telling myself that I wasted my time on this Earth, and I should’ve been more thoughtful about what I did.

Usually I would do nothing, and just drown in the thoughts, but today, I was overly bored. So instead, I decided to attend to my thoughts.

What am I going to do with my time? 

“Well, do whatever I’m able to. I’ll just live my life to the fullest I can.”

Why did this happen to me?

“Heh... who knows why. It’s a complete and utter mystery as to how I got this illness. Honestly, I don’t care how I got it. I contracted it, and that’s that.”

It’s unfair. I don’t deserve to die yet.

“The world is unfair, but we manage to live every day of our lives surviving against that.”

I want more time. There’s so many things I want to do still.

“I could beg and beg, and I still wouldn’t get more time. Even if I want more, I’ll have to try to be satisfied with what I have now.”

I kept going on and on, answering all my thoughts aloud. Without even realizing it, I was removing burdensome ideas from my brain, the weight of all my negativity melting away like ice on a summer day. It was like some weird therapy session, except I was my own therapist.

I shouldn’t have been so wasteful of my time. I should’ve thought more about what I did each day.

I paused at that thought. Wasteful? Me?

I looked back on all of the days I lived, every memory I had. I had times where I was lazy and didn’t do anything, times I did stupid things alone or with friends, times I made bad decisions or chose to do something I ended up disliking.

It was a crude mix of good and bad.

But, was I being wasteful?

I sat for a few minutes in silence, trying to formulate an answer. I felt so conflicted but at the same time, I knew the answer for me was right in front of my nose.

Taking in a deep breath, I began to speak.

“I... I don’t think I was being wasteful. I did everything I chose to do, and whether the results of that were good or bad is irrelevant. I made my decisions and I chose my path. I carved it out with my own hands and I don’t regret a single one of those choices. I did what I wanted and that’s what matters.”

But... didn’t I waste time with those choices even though I’m happy with them? Shouldn’t I have done something more important or valuable with the time I have?

“Maybe, but I think there isn’t a way to waste time. Each day is the same as the next. No matter what happens during them, their value is the same. Regardless of how I spend the time, I will treasure every day the same as I did in the past. Besides, I don’t need to spend my time doing anything special. I just want to live my normal life, and enjoy the time I have living the way I always have.”

I’ll live my life that way, even though I’m dying?

“Yep. I will.”

If that’s the case, am I okay with dying since I’m living my life the way I wish?

I frowned at first, but then, I felt my lips curve up.

“Yeah... I... I’m okay now.”

Can I say it now without feeling bad? Should I try to?

“Probably...”

I took in a deep breath, and then, to no one but myself, I spoke.

“I’m going to die.”

Those words held weight to them that would make my heart ache, but the weight wasn’t there now. The pain it would cause me had changed into something different. It stung, but quickly faded. It hurt, but it didn't last.

I was free of its burden.

I grinned. I moved forward. I took a step that I was so afraid to take.

My reality, my truth... it was one I embraced with open arms instead of cowering from it. No longer would I hide away.

I was going to die, and now I could finally face that fact with a smile.

_ “Dear Diary, _

_ Today, after lots of thinking, I have finally accepted and come to terms with my reality.” _

—————

I wanted to give them a gift, something they could treasure forever. I had to return all the kindness they had given me through these years.

I also wanted to give them more time with me. I realized I was leaving them much too soon. Right now, they needed me, and I wasn’t going to be able to be there for them. I had to find a way to extend my stay on Earth.

So, I decided I’d write letters.

Not just one letter, but a lot of them. Fifty to be exact.

I was going to write fifty letters that they’d receive over the span of fifty years. One letter for every anniversary of Roselia’s formation. Why this day? Well, it’s a day that means something to all of us. Or at least, it means the world to me. It’s a celebration for our band, Roselia, and a day they’d always be together on. These letters would ensure it.

I didn’t know if they actually considered this day as an anniversary, or if the first concert was the day they remembered the most. When Rinko joined, we didn’t think much of the fact that Roselia was finally completed. Our eyes were glued to the future.

Thankfully, I marked the day down on my calendar as Roselia’s Anniversary. The band I treasured so dearly needed one, and I was going to make sure it had one.

I didn’t want to just leave them with letters and an anniversary date though, I had to give more.

The fiftieth letter was the most important, the final letter I’d write. I had to include more with that. I mulled over what I should do, and nearly gave up.

After a few minutes of groaning and overloading my brain, I had an answer.

My photo journal was still incomplete, it contained all kinds of photos, from family pictures to dumb moments with friends to pictures I had asked audience members to take during concerts for me. It would be a perfect gift to help them remember all the good times we had.

The next would test my musical skills.

I had tried to write lyrics for that contest and didn’t win. They certainly weren’t that great, not nearly high quality enough to be a song for Roselia. Even so, I wanted another shot at it. I wanted to write them a song, to relight their flame for music. Roselia fifty years from now may forget the passion for music they used to have. They could forget the sweat running down their faces, the sore fingers, wrists and throats from the concerts, the loud cheers, the smiles, the adrenaline and all of the smiles we had. I refused to let them forget all together. That’s why, I had to write a song. Not only for them to hear my voice one last time, all of my passion for music and for Roselia, but to keep the music in their hearts as alive as it was now for us.

My final gift, my final goodbye. The last sign of my existence.

Today I began phase one, the first half of the letters.

“Alright Lisa, let the mission... BEGIN!”

**********

Letters were harder than they looked.

It seemed like a simple task, write some stuff on paper and fold it in an envelope. Sounds easy, right?

However, when you have to think about the kinds of things you want to tell your most treasured people over the next fifty years of the future, yeah, difficulty raises significantly.

I was stuck on letter four. The fact that it was only the fourth letter didn’t help my frustration either. I had hoped to get them done quicker, but it was just like writing lyrics: stuff from the heart and soul didn’t write smoothly or easily.

The contents of the letters were jumbled and random. There was no format or structure to any of them. It felt more like I was making one of my diary entries than a a formal letter. It did add a bit more personality to the writing though, which I figured would be good for making them feel like I was there with them.

I set my pencil down on the foldable bed desk and groaned. “Even so... I wish they sounded less wonky...”

Think Lisa think... this is year four. What could be happening at this point?

Oh!

I fumbled for my pencil and jotted down my thoughts before I could forget.

“So I have ‘Dear Roselia, As I’m writing this one, I can’t help but wonder if Roselia actually still exists now.’ Yeah, I guess that’s a good start.”

I nodded to myself, smiling at my work. It was crude and definitely sounded like a child was writing, but hey, at least it still sounded like me.

“Allllllright! Let’s get these letters done!”

Giving a motivated fist pump, I eagerly continued my mission.

**********

Somehow I managed to finish twenty-five of the letters.

I nearly threw my pencil when I finished writing my name on the twenty-fifth. My hand was cramped in various places, my mind and heart were in a daze and my vision was all blurry. As much as I wanted to try and continue, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to do much more.

“I guess I’ll have to put this on hold for now,” I mumbled.

I took the stack of letters, which were all in their envelopes, addressed and labeled for what day, month (both of which were always the same) and year they were to be delivered. I grabbed the brown paper bag I had asked my nurse to bring and carefully placed my hard work into it. Soon the bag would be full of letters to be sent to my friends in the future.

Well, some of them are just friends to me... others are a bit different, and that’s not just to me.

I giggled at the thought.

**********

(Earlier that day...)

Yukina had come to visit me again. She told me about her day as per usual, and then mentioned running into a group of stray catstwo days ago and taking pictures with them. I could never refuse the enthusiastic look she had when she mentioned cats, so I told her to show me. Her eyes lit up like a little kid with in a candy store.

As she was scrolling through her phone to find the image, I noticed a flash of teal.

“Hold up!” I said, grabbing her hand before she could scroll past the image.

“W-What..?”

I tapped on the image and saw something I wasn’t expecting. Yukina was taking a selfie (I didn’t even realize she could do that) with Sayo at Hazawa Café. They each had a coffee and cake, a soft smile on each of their normally serious faces.

My jaw dropped to the floor. And then, after regaining my bearings and fully confusing my best friend, my shock turned to a sly smirk.

“I didn’t know you and Sayo were so close Yukina~ When did this start happening~?”

“W-W-We’re not! I-I just happened to run into her,” She stuttered back at me, faint pink tinting her pale cheeks.

I rolled my eyes. “Like I’ll believe that. You have to tell Mama Lisa this stuff, Yukina~! I can’t have my daughter dating without my consent!”

“No, do not do that again.”

“What, the Mama Lisa stuff? C’mooooon~ It’s fun and it’s kinda true~ I am literally like a second mother for you.”

“I don’t care if it’s true. Never call yourself... that... again. It physically hurts me to hear that.”

“Awwww~ You’re hurting Mama’s fee-“

“Nope, I’m leaving.”

Yukina got up from her chair and started heading for the door.

I made an overdramatic whine and called out to her again. “Yukinaaaaa~! Don’t leave meeeeee~!”

**********

(Present)

“Sayo and Yukina are so cute together! The ultimate tsun kuudere couple~”

Some say opposites attract, but I say likes attract just as much. Those two were so similar that I had no doubt that they would end up liking each other. I made a bet with Moca on that a few days after I joined Roselia. She now owed me some money. I made a few bets with Moca and I was positive that even after death, she’d be owing me some cash.

“Opposites huh...?”

In comparison to those two, looked like the most energetic, happy person to walk the earth. Almost anyone could appear more happy than those two. I was at a point of opposite where you’d think I wouldn’t be able to get along with those two.

However, trial and error won in the end.

I became best friend’s with Yukina, and later down the line when I met Sayo through Roselia, after some talking and time, we became close friends. And then, my friends became something more to me. Although, it was a bit depressing I’d never get to tell them my feelings.

I knew if I told them my feelings, it would only make the weight of my death even more painful for them. I couldn’t and wouldn’t do that to the two that I fell in love with. My love for them would never reach their hearts while I was alive, but that was okay. Simply knowing I love them, and knowing they did love me was all I needed.

“It really is a shame though... confessions and confessing are the sparkly goal of most all high school girls. I’m not going to have either in my school life.”

I couldn’t even see what I looked like, but I knew I was doing it again. I always kept putting on a brave face every time I started getting into depressing territory. It was such a fake smile, but it helped me pick myself up and create a real smile on my face again.

I slapped my cheeks slightly. “C’mon Lisa. Pull yourself together. You accepted your reality. It may hurt, but you can do it! Let’s enjoy what I have left to the fullest!”

I relaxed my muscles and body, allowing my expression to turn neutral. 

Smile for the life you’ve been given.

Smile for the friends you have.

Smile for the love you’ve felt.

Smile for yourself, and all the happiness you’ve been able to experience.

Smile Lisa, because you’re stronger than you used to be.

_ “Dear Diary, _

_ Today I completed half of these letters. I‘ll finish the next half in a week or maybe later.” _

—————

A photo journal.

I had been planning on making it, or well, more like finishing it, for a long time, but I kept putting it off. Dying certainly did the trick in reminding me about it. For once my illness was good for something.

I had asked my mom to bring my laptop the last time she visited and now the red machine sat in my lap as I scrolled through all my photos.

Some of them I had used a nice camera, professionally shot and edited. Others were from my phone, not perfect but still nice reminders of all the memories I had made (though some were definitely shitty).

I was in the middle of debating if I should include the photo of Yukina spilling ice cream all over herself when a knock interrupted my trance.

“Gah?!”

My laptop almost decided to fly into sky above before me when I jumped. Hands went into action, scrambling to grab the source of all my photos.

“L-Lisa? Are you okay?”

“I’m okay! Come on in!”

The door creaked opened and Yukina walked in with slight concern in her eyes. The rest of Roselia followed after her, all looking a bit flustered from my startled yelp.

“Geez, text me beforehand that you’re in the building. You knocking on the door nearly made me shit myself...”

“Imai-san! Udagawa-san is here! Watch your language!” Sayo scolded.

“Hey!” The drummer pouted. “I’m not a little kid!”

I scratched my cheek awkwardly, giving the guitarist an apologetic smile. “Sorry Sayo, didn’t mean to curse like that~”

“I-It’s a bit out of character for you...” Rinko commented. Indeed it was. I wasn’t really one to curse out loud, but when stuff scared me or I was feeling outraged, my filter was gone.

“Ehehe, I guess it is in a way, but, you guys really startled me there. Cut me some slack for losing my filter Sayooooo~!”

She flinched as I stared at her, giving her my super effective pitiful puppy eye attack. Her cheeks turned red and she quickly averted her gazed

“I-I guess it’s okay this time...” She mumbled, fiddling with a strand of her hair. I giggled at the adorable sight earning a light punch in the arm.

“A-Anyways,” The tealette continued, clearing her throat. “We brought you some ice cream. Udagawa-san thought it might be a nice little treat.”

Wow, look at that coincidence.

I felt my stomach growl. I hadn’t eaten lunch yet, and the idea of being able to have some ice cream after who knows how long sounded heavenly. Drool threatened to dribble down my face, but thankfully I remembered to close my mouth soon enough.

Rinko handed me the small container of strawberry ice cream and I greedily snatched it from her hands. I could only imagine the sparkly delight they saw in my eyes that moment.

“Thank you guys! I haven’t eaten lunch yet so this is-“

“You haven’t eaten yet?” Yukina inquired.

“Um... yeah?”

She frowned at me. “You should eat proper food before having sweets.”

Well this certainly was different. I wasn’t expecting motherly Yukina to make an appearance. Heck, I didn’t know she had one.

“But I’m a sick person! I need sugar to cure me!” I whined childishly, kicking my legs in a fake tantrum.

The other three looked worried, somehow thinking my mediocre acting was legit. Yukina wasn’t as gullible though.

“You want to get diabetes too?” She deadpanned, calling out my obvious bullshit.

Ahhh... it’s great to know you can still see my bullshit despite how oblivious you are to most other things... the wonders of being childhood friends.

The rest of Roselia still hadn’t caught on. It was moments like this that made me remember how dense the members of Roselia actually were. I found it both amusing and sad.

“I’m not getting diabetes! C’mon, let me have the ice cream!” I continued on with my act, suppressing my grin as I looked at the confused and concerned faces of my fooled friends.

“Desert after a proper meal,” The vocalist smiled smugly, catching onto my drift.

“Yukina you meanie!”

“And you call me the child of this relationship.”

We continued like this for awhile, soaking in the hilarious confusion of our fellow bandmates.

**********

After that entire amusing event, I decided Yukina’s ice cream fail would make it’s way into the album. Not just because it was cute, but as a little act of revenge for making me eat a meal before the ice cream. Despite my acting, I did legitimately want to eat the ice cream first.

As soon as the four left, I whipped my laptop open and moved the photo into the album labeled “Images for future friends.”

“Heh heh heh! I can’t wait to embarrass you fifty years from now!”

A devilish smirk decorated my face as I searched for more photos I could use to embarrass Yukina. These were all going to be used in my friend’s individual sections for memories I had with them.

Ako’s section had lots of photos from dance club. I had asked people to take them for me with my good camera, meaning lots of cool shots of us two having the time of our life. I had a few pictures of us hanging out together outside of dance club, doing some shopping and going to the arcade. The section looked awesome, and I knew she would appreciate the coolness I made sure to have in her part. I could hear her chuunibyou speak in my head clearly. I sighed with a smile. No matter how much that girl grew up, I knew those habits were going to stick for life.

Rinko’s part was filled with less pictures, but was still full of memories. Lots of them were us two on stage during Roselia’s concerts. I’d always find a way to get close to her to play a bit together. The crowd enjoyed it and we both had fun jamming together. Some of the images were sneaky ones I had taken without her noticing. Generally, Rinko didn’t like her picture being taken. In response, I’d take some secretly. The cutest one was the smiling face she made after eating my cookies. I was so happy I had my phone out at that time.

Sayo’s section was rather nice, having a very wholesome and cute vibe. I had pictures of us baking together, going out to Hazawa Café and eating fries at the family restaurant we always went to. I even had a picture of us at Pastel ＊ Palettes’ concert. I had forced her to wear one of the shirts they were selling outside the concert hall. The only thing I let her choose was the design on it. So, in the image, there was me with two glowing blue light sticks in my left hand and Sayo, holding a blue light stick and wearing a white T-Shirt that said “Hina’s Boppin’!” with the signature logo of the idol band under the text. Sayo made me swear not to tell her she was there. So immediately right after, I texted Hina about it and soon got an irritated but thankful call from my guitarist friend. Apparently Hina had busted down her door but in the end, the two had a nice bonding moment together.

Still didn’t save me from her wrath the day after.

Yukina’s section was the one I had to figure how to condense to be smaller. Since we were childhood friends, I had pictures I could add from when we were tiny children all the way up to present day. I wanted to just shove them all in the journal, but I didn’t have the room for it. I was forced to be a bit picky with the images, much to my dissatisfaction. I had a good amount of them be embarrassing photos: her spilling ice cream, her tripping over nothing, her baking messes. Then, I had some mor wholesome ones: her singing with me and her father, her playing with her cat that she had as a child, her falling asleep with the strays at the park. I had pictures of us from Roselia and pictures from before it existed. I knew she would have a nice journey through our memories from this section. Or at least, I strongly hoped she would.

I closed the journal, and with the last of my remaining tape, I slapped on the last picture on the front cover: the picture of us from our SMS performance. It was our biggest achievement so far. For me, it would be the biggest one for my Roselia. Once I departed, I knew their Roselia would go off and achieve something much greater than SMS.

However, SMS was a special performance that I never wanted them to forget. So, having it on the front cover would remind them of it every time they looked at it.

I smiled gleefully at my handiwork.

“Mission compete!”

_ “Dear Diary, _

_ Today I completed the photo journal. I hope they like it!” _

—————

I knew telling Kasumi about my song project first was probably a terrible idea. I said I didn’t want that many people involved but by telling her first, I basically shot myself in the leg.

Sure enough, on the day of planning my song, I found twenty girls piled into my hospital room. I was lucky my parents had spent so much money on getting one of the big ones but still...

Twenty was a lot.

“Lisa-senpai! I know you said you didn’t want many people involved in this but at the very least, you know everyone here!” Kasumi said with her usual idiotic, optimistic grin. I glanced over at Arisa who looked about ready to induce blunt force trauma.

I know Arisa loves Poppin’Party, but I do feel bad that she has to deal with that chaos...

Then I glanced around and saw Misaki trying stop Kokoro from doing flips in the room and immediately retracted that statement.

Nope never mind, Misaki gets all my pity. She has to deal with chaos incarnate.

“Kasumi, it’s good that I know them, but that doesn’t change the fact that this is twenty people,” I gently chided. I wasn’t angry in the slightest. It was more like I was disappointed that my assumptions were met.

The vocalist’s eyes became upturned, her mouth curving into a frown.

“I’m sorry...” She said. I felt my heart wrench with guilt looking at her downcast expression. It was like looking at some pitiful kitten.

Now I really understand why Yukina can’t refuse Kasumi when she asks for something...

“It’s alright Kasumi, don’t feel bad about it! However, I am going to have to lower the number of people in here...”

I looked around. I certainly needed all the vocalists. Many of them knew how to write lyrics and they could all help me in judging my singing. The music itself I knew I wanted simple so I needed keyboardists, at least two. Beyond that... a person to do mixing and a score composer?

“Alright, so all the vocalists can stay... and then I need... Arisa, Tsugumi, Misaki and... Hina!”

The group of girls nodded, and the others waved me goodbye, wishing me a good recovery. I did my best to keep my smile from wavering.

“So,” Ran started. “What do you want us to do?”

“Right to the point I see. Alright, so I’m trying to make a song for the rest of Roselia, and I need all of you to help me make it. Lyrics, instrumental, mixing, that kind of stuff.”

“Um, what about vocals Lisa-chan?” Aya asked.

“The vocals are going to be me but... I’m not exactly that confident in my ability. I do harmonies and have some solos in songs, but I’m not a singer. I was hoping you guys could help be a judge of my singing ability.”

Misaki nodded, putting the pieces together. “I see. So basically, you want the vocalists to help write the lyrics and judge the singing, the keyboardists to make the instrumental and for me to do mixing and those kinds of edits.”

“Yep!”

“So why is she here?”

The DJ pointed at Hina who suddenly became aware of the fact she had no role.

“Eeehhh?! Lisacchi! I wanna help! Let me help!” The guitarist whined.

“You will be! I want you to write scores!”

“Scores? Lisacchi, this isn’t a sport.”

“Not that kind of score! I want you to write sheet music! I figured you’d be able to do that no problem. You can work with Misaki to make it since she’ll be able to use digital instruments.”

Hina’s face lit up with delight. “That means I get to write Onee-chan’s part?!”

“That’s right~”

“THAT’S SO BOPPIN’! AYA-CHAN I GET TO WRITE THE MUSIC ONEE-CHAN IS GOING TO-“

Aya slapped her hand over her bandmate’s mouth before she could scream anymore. However, it was too late for me.

Aaah... I could see my nurse’s angry face already.

“Hina-chan quiet down! We’re in a hospital!”

“Mmmhmph mhmph mmphmph!”

Arisa raised an eyebrow in annoyance. “What the heck did she just say?”

The pink haired vocalist released her friend of her grip.

“I said I didn’t know you can’t yell in hospitals.”

I suddenly felt like I had made a terrible mistake in bringing them all here.

**********

Besides Kokoro, Kasumi and Hina being insane, things were going well.

My nurse did end up barging into my room with a very angry expression. I apologized on my friends’ behalves which lightened her red complexion. Hina almost made it return but thankfully we had Aya who was trained in Hina Speech Prevention.

Apparently she was about to tell my nurse that she looked like a juicy tomato. There were so many things wrong with that entire image that I felt sick at the idea of her saying that aloud to the woman.

After that interruption, we all got to work. Kasumi had remembered to tell everyone to bring their instruments so we had al the equipment we needed. I gave the group general tone I wanted for the song and allowed the two keyboardists to get to work. Once we had the chorus riff, we started getting the lyrics sorted out along with the instrumental. Misaki and Hina worked together to set up the needed mics and sound insulators to create a mini recording studio in the hospital room. It was at times like this where I was happy my parents got me a large room in the hospital.

Misaki was probably the busiest of us all. Not only was she doing lots of equipment set up, she also was working on other instrumentals, as well as helping us interpret Kokoro and her... lyric ideas.

My respect for that girl doubled in the span of 5 minutes.

Ran, Kasumi and Aya, despite their drastically different music preferences, they all managed to work great together. And along with Kokoro’s song themes that she offered up, the song was coming along great.

“What does this drawing mean Misaki?”

“Uhh... so Kokoro is basically saying that this part should go into the separation aspect of the song.”

“Lisa-san, we want this to be more serious, and then, should we transition to a simile?”

“That’s too stiff though Ran. I want it to have a lightness to it.”

“Ooo! How about doing this instead?”

“Nice Kasumi-chan! And then after we can do this...”

“I see what you’re doing Aya-san, good thinking.”

Tsugumi and Arisa were working together great. I had a hunch that Poppin’Party’s keyboardist was thankful for the chance to work in music with someone who was an energetic maniac like her band’s leader was.

“How does this chord progression sound Arisa-chan?”

“Not bad. Once we get into fancying it up, we can definitely make the sound flow nicely.”

I glanced over to Hina, who was humming away at the tunes Arisa and Tsugumi were making, strumming at her own guitar trying to figure out the sheet music for Sayo. The smile on her face was pure and innocent, a great contrast to how she could talk sometimes.

We can do this. We’ll actually be able to pull this off!

I grinned away as I continued my discussion with others about the lyrics.

**********

Things began to crash when it came to the vocals.

I wasn’t a bad singer, but I was extremely nervous. The importance of this project shot anxiety through all of my bones. I felt paralyzed when the music began to play. Multiple times, Misaki had to restart the music because I couldn’t even get the words out.

“I’m really sorry everyone...” I apologized again.

“Like we’ve said Lisa-san, you don’t need to apologize. We have plenty of time, so we might as well be thorough about it,” Arisa reassured me.

“Mhmm! We’ve all been working hard, so I’m sure it’ll be okay!”

Hina laughed, jumping onto her friend in a side hug (or was it a tackle? I couldn’t tell). “You say that, but didn’t you mess up during our performance last week Aya-chan~?”

“H-Hina-chan?!”

“Alright, enough bullying her Hina-senpai,” Ran said, pulling the energetic tealette off the pink haired idol.

“Just smile! Everything is better with a smile, right Kasumi?”

“That’s right Kokoron!”

“And you two need to be more serious.”

Ran had unofficially put herself in charge of trying to tame the group of wild girls along with Misaki. I was rather grateful for that so I didn’t have to try to butt in. I did feel a bit bad though. They were all a handful to deal with.

I wonder how Misaki and Arisa stay sane with their bands...

“Should we try again from the top?”

“Yeah! That would be great Misaki,” I replied, getting the headphones back on my ears.

“Alright, everyone be quiet.”

“Kokoron, like this!”

“Oooo, I like that! Let me-“

“YOU TWO BE QUIET!”

Conversation immediately ended at the sound of Misaki’s shout. Her face was flushed red with irritation, a vein pulsing in her forehead.

“Alright, let’s began, shall we?”

“Y-Yeah...” I stammered out, fumbling to grab the mic.

Note to self: never piss off Misaki.

**********

The song’s title was Hirari, Hirari. It was rather cutesy in comparison to Rosalia’s other songs, yet it was just as deep as the rest. It was a bittersweet song, yet despite the sadness in its story, the melody was beautiful.

And now, the song was complete.

“A-Are we finished...?”

“I-I think so...”

We all sighed at once.

“FINALLY!”

“HEY! SHUT THE HELL UP! SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!”

I flinched as I heard my neighbor pound at the wall.

“S-Sorry!” I shouted back. I was hoping that guy would be in a better mood since he got to hear all the music we were doing but it seemed once again that everything just ticked him off.

You can’t win them all I guess...

“Well that was certainly some project we did,” Ran smiled softly. “I’m glad we finished it.”

“I-I thought I was going to die...” Arisa muttered, slamming her face into her keyboard.

“Me too Arisa-chan...”

Tsugumi followed with her blond friend, resting her chin on the keys of her own instrument.

“Haha! Writing sheet music is kinda boppin’! I liked drawing all the notes~!” Hina grinned, still full of energy somehow.

Kasumi grabbed Kokoro and Misaki by the hands. “We did it! We helped make a song for Roselia!”

“Whoa! Hey! Let go!”

“Ehhh? C’mon, celebrate a bit with us!”

The blond vocalist nodded in agreement. “Mhm! You worked really hard Misaki! Good job!”

She proceeded to pat her friend on the head, earning her a blushing DJ.

“I-I... thank you...” She mumbled.

I giggled at the sight. Despite how chaotic and infuriating that blond smile crazy girl could be, Misaki had a soft spot for her.

I bet they’d make a cute couple~ I guess I should make another bet with Moca~! I’m sure to win this one!

Kokoro turned to me with the same infectious smile she always had. “I hope this song will make them smile!”

I grinned back. “I’m sure it will. Everyone, thank you so much for helping me today. It really means a lot.”

I bowed my head to the group of girls, all of them thanking me for letting them help.

As I waved them all goodbye, I noticed Ran at the doorway. She wasn’t budging from the spot.

“Ran?”

“Hey, Lisa-senpai? Is something happening to you?”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“I know that you’re sick and all, but the lyrics we made together... the words... and the feeling. I just sensed there was something else that was wrong.”

Perceptive I see...

“Nothing’s wrong, don’t worry about it.”

The girl frowned, but didn’t question any further. She did goodbye one last time, and exited my room.

“I wasn’t expecting her to catch on...” I sighed. I didn’t like lying to her, but there was no way I was telling her I was dying.

I wonder how much longer I have to lie to people...?

Do I still have all my remaining months left? Or has my time been draining out quicker?

I wonder... well, no matter. Even if it does run out quickly, it’s alright.

I’ve been living my life how I wish. As long as I can get the last of the letters done, then I’m alright dying earlier than anticipated.

I smiled to myself, gazing at the setting sun as I let my doubt flutter away.

_ “Dear Diary, _

_Today I asked Afterglow, Hello, Happy World!, Pastel ＊ Palettes and Poppin’ Party to help me create a song. It was a difficult process, but I did it!”_

(A/N: “Hirari,” in the title of the song, means “flutter” in Japanese)

—————

“Hi Lisa.”

“Yukina~! Come in come in!”

I grinned happily as my best friend made her way into the hospital room, a box in hand. She walked over to the chair next to my bed, sat down, and handed the box over to me.

“I saw some macrons at Yamabuki Bakery that I thought you’d like. They’re cat shaped.”

“Hehe, you really like cats Yukina~”

Her face flushed and she averted her gaze. “I-I don’t. I think th-they’re alright...”

She really can’t hide her love for them~

I smiled again, opening the brown box. Inside we’re four little cat shaped macrons, with their little cute cookie eyes staring up at me. My heart fluttered at the adorable sweets.

“Awww! These are so cute I don’t know if I can eat them!”

“I bought them for you to eat, so I’d appreciate it if you ate them,” She chuckled.

I took a small bite of the ear, and in mere seconds I had the rest of it in my mouth. Moca was right when she called the Yamabuki Bakery the mouth’s heaven. I squealed with delight as sweet flavors danced across my tongue.

“I need to ask Saya how her family makes these! They’re godly!”

“I’m sure she’d be more than willing to tell you.”

“Hmmm maybe... hey Yukina?”

“Yeah?”

“Which do you like better, these macrons, or my cookies~?”

Her eyes widened. She opened her mouth to answer, closed it, and then stared at the ground.

“Uh, Yukina? Are you-“

“Yours.”

“What?”

“I-I think your cookies are better... they’re the best...”

Yukina blushed, trying to keep a steady face.

It was cute. No, more than cute.

It was freaking adorable.

Oh shit now I’m blushing.

One more time I swore was to myself when I was having a gay freak out.

I looked down at my hands, laughing softly for no reason at all. “O-Oh! Th-Thank you...”

“Y-Yeah...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

Damnit... I’m too gay to speak right now

**********

Composure managed to return to both of us after 10 minutes of silence and fidgeting.

I had to suppress every urge to kiss those lips of her during it, and it was agony. The purest form of torture.

Yukina fixed her posture, her face less red and expression steady, however, the nervousness was still there.

“You okay?” I asked.

“H-Huh?”

“You seem nervous. Is something wrong?”

“Ah w-well...”

I could tell from her eyes she wanted to run away from the thing that was bugging her, but there was some steely resolve in her expression. Taking a deep breath, she met my eyes.

“I wanted to ask you advice for a friend.”

Okay so this is obviously her asking for advice for herself.

“What kind of advice?”

“She uh... wants to confess to her friend but she’s worried she won’t accept.”

So Yukina wants to tell Sayo she loves her and doubts that it’ll go well.

“I see... is she close to her friend already?” I questioned, following along with the obvious cover up.

“Y-Yes... we ar-I mean they are!”

“Whoa calm down there.”

“S-Sorry...”

“So, these two are already close. Does the friend like your friend back?”

“I don’t know... that’s why I’m asking you to help me. I don’t know what to say to Sa-I mean my friend.”

You are the worst liar in the world Yukina, and it’s so cute when you try to~

“Well... I’d say to confess. If those two really are close, then regardless of what the answer is, I’m sure they’ll get along. A good friend wouldn’t let something like that ruin a friendship. They’d be understanding.”

“But even so... what if they’re still doubtful?”

“Saying the feelings is better than not saying anything at all.”

I’m such a hypocrite for saying that, but I have my reasons. If I wasn’t in this situation, I’d go full in for my confession.

Yukina furrowed her brow, still unsure of my answer. I sighed, and grabbed her shaking hands in mine.

“Don’t be scared. I’m sure she’ll say yes.”

“Really?”

“Really. Trust me Yukina.”

“I... okay...” She replied hesitantly. “I trust you.”

I smiled. “I’m glad you can! Now go get your girl Yukina!”

“I will! Thank yo-wait! This wasn’t about me! This was about my friend!”

“Sure it was~”

I laughed away as a flustered Yukina tried to insist that it wasn’t about her.

I really do love this girl.

I hope she and Sayo can be happy together.

I’d really like that to happen.

_ “Dear Diary, _

_ Today, I had some fun with my best friend and first love. I’m sure she’ll find happiness with Sayo!” _

—————

“Alright Lisa, this is the last stretch! I can do this!”

I rolled up my nonexistent sleeves just to feel a bit cooler, and raised my pencil up high. I was being an idiot, but it was just too fun not to do.

“TWENTY-FIVE LETTERS HERE WE GO!”

“WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP MISSY?!”

“... sorry.”

**********

Writing didn’t seem like a draining thing to do. I found it therapeutic to write in my diary. However, these letters were a different story.

Tears streamed down my face as I was in the middle of writing the thirty-fourth letter. I don’t know what caused my sudden outburst, but as I was writing the letter, my thoughts drifted to a darker part of my brain.

I sniffles pathetically, trying to calm myself down. Tear drops fell onto the paper in my attempts to wipe my face.

I felt awful. I felt so much guilt.

But I had to keep going. I had to move forward.

So I kept writing, despite all my tears.

I kept writing, despite the emotional exhaustion.

I kept writing, despite droplets of red that had stained the envelope earlier.

**********

I was pushing myself, I knew that.

I hadn’t taken my medicine. I forgot again. In turn, my body suffered for it.

My breathing was ragged as pain started to form in my stomach. The left side of my mouth had a red little smudge on it from coughing up blood a bit earlier. My puffy eyes were watering once again as my heart ached from sadness and guilt.

This was going to have consequences on my life span. However, I couldn’t even think about that.

All that mattered was the letter.

The fiftieth letter.

The last letter I’d write, and the last words my friends’ would ever get to see from me.

It had to be perfect.

My hand was moving, writing down all my feelings, but I couldn’t really tell what I was writing anymore. I had gone on autopilot some time ago. All of the physical agony I was in blurred the events of the last thirty minutes. 

I covered my mouth again as I hacked and coughed. Warm blood splattered on my palm and squirted out from between my fingers.

I could see it staining the paper. I’d wipe it off in a bit.

Just a bit more.

A little more.

That’s all I need.

I’m so close to finishing them.

I just need to get this one done.

Then I’ll...

I’ll...

I...

...

...

...

...

...

...

.................

................................

**********

(Third Person POV)

A group of doctors were rushing into a patient’s room with a stretcher. They were shocked to hear the report from the nurse but didn’t let it stall them.

The team picked the girl’s unconscious body up, and laid her gently down on the stretcher, wheeling her out and jogging her down to the ER.

“You’re really trying to give me a heart attack kid...” The girl’s doctor muttered.

This wasn’t the first time her patient had forgotten to take her medicine. In fact, this made it six times.

The doctor wasn’t sure what to say anymore. She had told the girl she was going to die in two years, then in a couple of months, and yet somehow she still forgot to take her meds.

_ Does she have a death wish or something? _

They just couldn’t figure out what went on in that girl’s head. What kind of priorities did she have? They couldn’t say.

“The room in all ready for us. Once we get there, what should we do?” The nurse asked.

“Stabilize her heart beat and get an oxygen mask on her. I’ll call someone to get me a dose of her medicine.”

Being a doctor was stressful, but it was worth it in order to save or stabilize lives.

**********

(Lisa POV)

I had a dream. It was different from the ones I usually had.

I was standing in a field of golden grass. The sky was a brilliant shade of blue and the sun brightly shined above.

I looked around, and saw something in the distance.

I walked over to the object, and to my surprise it was a stage with all of Roselia’s instruments on it.

I tried to walk onto it, but something pulled me back. A voice in my head stopped me.

‘It isn’t time. That step will come later.’

I opened my mouth to question it but I didn’t get the chance.

I was swallowed up by my shadow and the next moment, I was awake in the ER.

I nearly ripped the IV from my arm when I jolted upward. My doctor had grabbed me, pushing me back down into the bed, and lectured me about the dangers of not taking my medicine. It was the same spiel I had heard the first time I missed it so I just tuned it out. I understood its importance and I wasn’t going to forget it again. I just ended up overly focused on my letters and forgot.

So instead of focusing on my doctor, I focused my mind on the dream I had.

What did it mean? Why couldn’t I go on the stage?

Perhaps...

No, it couldn’t be.

That would mean...

Oh...

...

...

... I really did push it, didn’t I?

“Imai-san, are you listening?”

“I’m sorry for scaring you doctor.”

“Huh?”

“I was close, wasn’t I?”

The woman flinched at my question, but slowly gave me a solemn nod.

“I knew I was pushing it, but I didn’t really care. I was too focused on my letters. I’m sorry for worrying you all. I’ll be more careful now. I finished all the stuff I have to do, so I won’t be exerting myself anymore.”

That’s a lie, but they don’t need to know.

“As long as you understand the dangers of what today entailed, then all is forgiven,” My doctor said, a soft smile on her face.

I gave her a weak smile back.

I was really close there. I really pushed it too hard.

But in the end, it’ll be worth it.

All of my effort and pain... it’ll be worth it.

For you all... I’ll endure anything.

_ “Dear Diary, _

_ Today I finished the second half of my letters. I may have pushed it a bit, but I know it’ll be worth it in the end.” _

—————

It’s intriguing how humans can sometimes just know when something will occur. With most people, it’s just a bad gut feeling, or a feeling of optimism for some kind of event that’ll transpire during the day. Other times, people predict events that’ll happen based on observations from previous occurrences, like someone’s behavior. Usually these little glimpses of the future tell minute events in someone’s life time. They usually only having meaning in that moment of time, and will have no relevance later on.

For me though, my prediction would be my future. The moment I had awakened that day, I knew I was going to die.

My heart monitor was steady, all my numbers were balanced, my body didn’t hurt or feel off. Yet, despite that, I just knew that I wasn’t making it to tomorrow.

I had long realized my body couldn’t fight this losing battle much longer. The machines and medicine were the only reason I had survived as long as I had, and now, they were failing me. However, I didn’t mind at all. I had accepted my reality, my truth.

I didn’t know how much time I had left for that day, so I did whatever I could that morning. I called the nurse in and she gave me a delicious breakfast, telling me that she was happy to finally see me get out of this room. I had almost forgotten today was supposed to be my release day from the hospital. The meal suddenly didn’t taste as nice.

When she headed out of the room, I shot her one last smile, a little guilt residing in my heart. I couldn’t do anything about what my illness did to me, but I couldn’t help but feel a bit bad for the fact that I was getting her hopes up.

I was now left alone again. There wasn’t much I could do. The letters were done along with the photo album and song. I had finished reading the book my doctor had given me when I was admitted for my long term stay. The only thing left I had was my diary.

My diary was more like a book, small with a leather bound cover. It had been with me since late elementary school. I had never planned on having one, but my father had bought the little diary for me as a birthday gift, saying:  “Things are always hard to remember when you’re older, so having a journal or diary is handy so you don’t end up forgetting moments or even changing memories! You can use it to vent, or even relieve yourself of any secret keeping burdens. It’s also comforting sometimes to just look back at everything you’ve done, and how much you’ve changed. It’s a reminder of who you are and were.”

Little me didn’t think much of what he said, but when I got into high school and learned of my illness, I ended up treasuring that book more than I could imagine.

Every day I wrote an entry, I’d flip back and read all my other entries. Some were lackluster, others were interesting. Many of them were detailed, and a few were short and concise. But, regardless of what they looked like or what their contents were, I always smiled. I would never forget all my precious memories that made me the person I was. All the joy, love, pain and sadness... they would always be by my side.

As I reached over to the side table for my diary, I felt the world wobble.

“Ugh...”

I groaned, clutching my forehead as a wave of nausea decided to bother me. It faded as quick as it had arrived, but that little wave was all I needed to know that time was leaving me fast.

I grabbed the journal with a shaky hand, my fingers threatening to lose its grip on the leather cover. I sat upright in my bed and opened to a new page, my hand trembling as I wrote inside.

After I had finished the second half of my letters, the doctors had given me a two day ban on writing and any form of exertion due to how much I had worsened my condition. My lie didn’t quite work it seemed. It was understandable, but it didn’t make it any less frustrating.

My expected life span had been cut to two years, and then I learn it was cut down to a few months when it hadn’t even been one year. With such limited time and with so many tasks I wanted to complete, it sure as hell was aggravating when I was forced to use up time doing nothing. Even though I knew every day was worth the same, it didn’t exactly mean everything went how I wanted each day. I had the same amount of satisfaction regardless of the events but just... experiencing them in the present time didn’t get any easier.

The moment my ban was lifted I had gone to work in my will. I had explored all the legal documentation during the first few weeks of learning about my disease and due to the toll it was taking on my mental state, I had stopped. It was too much at the time to take in the fact that some papers would soon become one of my final messages.

With the final entry in my diary complete, hobbled over to the window and cracked it open, the gentle breeze of outside wafting into my hospital room.

“I was going to give you to my parents originally, and then I changed my mind to Roselia,” I said aloud, smiling at the little diary. “However, in the end, I think this story is best left unknown to them. Maybe they’d want to know everything, but for my last selfish wish, I’m keeping this story all to myself.”

I had debated about what I wanted to do with my diary, but in the end, it was a story I wanted to be forgotten and never be known to anyone else but myself. This part of my journey was personal, and while some of it would be and was shared with others, lots of it would be mine and mine alone. I wanted to keep it that way.

Or maybe, that was just an excuse to keep others from learning all of the pain I kept hidden, and to help me forget the living hell I lasted through. A way to spare others of guilt for not knowing how I was feeling throughout this entire ordeal.

Either way, there was no changing my mind.

I brushed my hand over the leather bound book one last time. This little thing contained so much information. Many would find it utterly useless or unimportant. Some might be curious to its content. And then, there were people who I know would hate me for disposing of it if they ever found out.

“You contain my story, the story of a girl named Imai Lisa, the bassist of Roselia, who found value in life even when nearing death.”

Giving a mental thanks one last time, I threw my diary out the window into the little pond below, watching the water ripple as it landed.

I transcribed my life into various forms: a song, a photo album, fifty letters, a proper will and my diary, now hidden within a veil of water.

I documented everything, some of it I’ve ended up sharing, other parts I’ve erased from the world. But, regardless of my actions...

“This story... finally, it’s over.”

As if on cue, my legs gave out. I stumbled backwards towards the bed, falling onto the soft mattress. My vision was blurry, light and darkness seeming to blend together. Sound became muffled to my ears, as if I was put underwater. My senses were fading before me, and yet I could still feel everything vividly inside me: the contracting of my muscles, the flow of blood inside me, the rise and fall of my chest, the growing weakness of my breathing, my slowing heart beat, each one becoming heavier than the last.

“Heh... this is... this is really it huh...?”

I clutched my hands together, bringing them to my chest and closed my eyes.

Ah... they’re starting to feel a bit cold... which means I have an hour at most, or maybe even a few minutes.

I was dying, but I wasn’t afraid.

I lived each day to their full worth with no regrets, doing everything I chose to do.

I joined a band and made the best of friends who were like family to me.

I was given love, I gave love and I fell in love.

I made memories I’d cherish forever, even after death.

I was dying, but I wasn’t afraid.

I was at peace, for I had been one of the lucky ones who was able to have such a rich and fulfilling life.

_ “Dear Diary, _

_ Today is supposed to be my release day from the hospital, but I know I’m not getting out of here. In fact, I know that I’m never going to get out of here while I’m alive. _

_ This is my final entry, and my final day. You’ve helped me a lot during this struggle. Thank you. Finally, this story can be put to rest.” _

—————

(Yukina POV)

I finally confessed to Sayo and just like you said, she accepted it. We baked cookies together just for you. I was excited to have you taste them. I couldn’t stop grinning all night.

I hadn’t been able to truly hang out with you in awhile, just you and me, childhood friend duo supreme, having fun out and about. It was going to be the perfect surprise.

I had the entire day planned out. You’d try the cookies, we’d go shopping, we’d paint each other’s nails, have dinner together, watch a movie even though we wouldn’t really be paying attention to it. I was going to sleep over at your house and we could watch cat videos and have snacks. You’d try to talk about romance and I’d tell you about my successful confession. You’d probably cry and give me a congratulatory hug, and then I’d ask you to join us. I know you’d say yes after all, I know you too well. Your feelings were something I treasured, I just never knew how to respond to them.

We were going to have so much fun, just you and me.

You were going to be released from the hospital, and we could finally have that outing you wanted.

You were finally better.

... you said you were better, so why is your blood staining the floor?

—————

Frantic voices, the sound of running footsteps, the rolling wheels of the stretcher.

I was cast out of your room and sent to the waiting room.

The ER waiting room.

A bag of cookies.

A little bouquet of red geraniums I bought last minute to congratulate your recovery.

A small cat purse you bought me for my birthday containing all the money we need.

A list of all the things we’re going to do today.

Those items suddenly felt like the heaviest weights in the world.

—————

When we were younger, I remember we were playing hide and seek in the neighborhood. I was the seeker, and I couldn’t figure out where you were. It had gotten late and I was worried sick. I finally found you, hiding in the bushes at the park. When your eyes met mine, you lunged out and hugged me tightly, crying. You were scared out of your mind, thinking I wouldn’t find you and you’d be left all alone forever. A bit dramatic, but you were always big scaredy-cat.

I remember squeezing your shaking hand, turning my head and giving you the warmest smile I had in me.

_ “Don’t be scared! I promise I’ll never leave your side Lisa-chan! I’ll always find you no matter where you are!” _

I promised you I’d never leave your side, that I’d always find you. I swore that as a child, and even as I grew up, I still held that promise close to my heart.

I squeezed your hand like I did so many years ago. This time though, I couldn’t feel your warmth.

Hey...? Why... why didn’t you tell me? You were scared, weren’t you? So why did you stay silent?

I’m sorry... I should’ve noticed something was wrong. No... I did notice. I was just too much of a coward to say a word... to do anything...

I said I’d always be by your side... but now you’ve gone somewhere out of my reach...

I said I’d find you no matter where you went but I... I don’t think I can find you this time Lisa...

—————

On a beautiful, sunny day, one I know you would’ve loved, I stood in front of grave with your name on it.

The weather felt like a punch to the face. I wanted it to rain, for the sky to be gray and dull, and yet here it was, giving me a reminder of something you loved. The world was mocking me.

I could hear your parents crying. Their voices were devoid of all joy, that radiance stolen long ago. There was a hollowness my ears picked up on, and I could tell the despair in their hearts had been there for longer than I could imagine.

I could hear the muffled cries of the other bands: Afterglow, Pastel ＊ Palettes, Poppin’Party, Hello, Happy World!... they all shed tears for you. Not even Kokoro, the girl who always smiled, could escape the sorrow. She stood nearby your grave, staring down at the walkway as tears trickled down her face.

Sayo, Ako and Rinko stood by me, dead silent. We were despairing, but no one cried. Our eyes remained dry for we had no more tears to shed. Our hearts were in agony, but we had forced ourselves to be numb to it. None of us wanted to feel anymore. Feeling anything would just deepen the scars we were trying to forget already.

‘Personal matters had no place in Roselia.’

That was our code since the band was created, and as sick as it was, I was instinctively trying to follow it, even at your damn funeral. I wanted to burry this entire event away. I didn’t want to believe you were gone. I didn’t want to believe that the body going in that grave was yours.

All I could do was hide the issue deep inside my twisted, black heart.

It was all I could do to keep myself from falling apart.

—————

I hadn’t understood what it felt like to have something stolen until now.

Your light, your passion, your undying kindness... I always had it by my side. Even when you weren’t physically there, I could still feel it all resounding in my heart. You were always right there by me. The idea of losing you never crossed my mind.

Now, it’s all I can think about.

For the first time in my life, I have to live a day without you here. I don’t have your support. You’re not going to send me good morning messages, or call to me from the balcony.

You’re not going to barge into my room to wake me up to walk to school together.

You’re not going to bake cookies or cook food for me anymore.

You’re not going to play the bass for me anymore. I won’t be able to hear the mellow sound combined with your gentle voice.

My path was illuminated by your light. I was only able to get this far because I had you by me. Now, I’m surrounded in darkness, and I don’t know where I am.

Is this a nightmare?

A hallucination?

I felt like I was going insane. Without you here, I didn’t understand what to do, how to act, why I should live.

The one that guided me and made me whole vanished before my very eyes.

—————

Your bass seemed to haunt me, watching me from the corner of my bedroom.

It was written in your will that your bass go to me. However, I didn’t... no... I  couldn’t look at it. All I saw in the red reflection was your face, and my heart would ache again, further opening the wounds that were left.

Despite that, I couldn’t get rid of it. It was one of the last things I had to remind me of you. It was your partner that your practiced with to improve your music, what helped you perform each concert we had. I saw you grow with this instrument, once as a child, and then later on in high school after you had left the music world. I saw pain at first each time you held it in your hands, but eventually, you learned to smile again when you had it.

It was strange to me that a single item could cause me such pain and joy all at the same time.

I glanced up from my bed and looked at the instrument. The bass beckoned me towards it, and even though I had no Will to get up, my body moved forward.

With a shaky hand, I touched the crimson board, the cool surface brushing smoothly against my skin.

I took in a sharp breath, put the bass in its case, and without thinking, I ran out of my house.

I could hear my parents asking me what I was doing, but I didn’t say a word. I wasn’t really sure what I was doing either.

There was some force propelling me forward. I heard something, a voice telling me to move.

It was familiar, and yet, in my frantic rush, I couldn’t figure out who’s it was.

But, it didn’t matter. All I knew, was that I had to take the step I was afraid to take.

—————

I ran into CiRCLE and was met with a sight I wasn’t expecting. Three pairs of eyes turned and widened at my entrance. I gave my fellow bandmates the blank and confused stare. Maybe it was from habit, or a desire to be with each other, but whatever it was, I was a bit happy that it brought them here with me.

None of us said a word. We simply walked inside, Sayo gesturing to Marina that we were going to use the studio.

I opened my mouth to speak but the words died in my throat. Music was what the studio was for. It was somewhere I felt at ease and allowed music take me away. It would fill my heart and soul.

However, all I could feel was emptiness. There was a gaping hole in all of our hearts, our souls.

It was the first practice without you here in the world.

None of us knew what to do.

What were we supposed to say? What were we supposed to play?

How were we supposed to be Roselia without you here?

“Um, I don’t mean to interrupt you but the studio just received a letter addressed to Roselia!”

—————

Many years later...

(Third Person POV)

A song rang through an old house. It was a familiar tune to few, and a forgotten one to many. It wasn’t surprising that it was forgotten. After all, it was only played once to the world. The speaker it came from originated from a bedroom. In that room, an old woman sat alone in her bed. A crimson bass and a dark blue guitar rested in their stands by her side. In her hands, she held a small book which she was flipping through, smiling softly at the photos it contained.

She felt her eyesight waver slightly, and with that, she stopped flipping through the book, staring at the final page she chose.

“It’s time.”

She laid her head down against the pillow she had slept on for many years. She clutched the small book, still open to that single image, to her chest. Her eyes fluttered shut and she immersed herself in the music that was playing on the speaker.

From the singing, she could hear a voice speaking to her. It said those same words she had heard so long ago.

_ ‘It’s time to move forward. Take the step into the future.’ _

“Ah... I know who’s voice that is now... of course. It was you.”

The old woman smiled for a final time.

“I’ll be seeing you soon.”

—————

In a field of gold, four girls stood on a stage. They were waiting for a certain someone, and they would wait for as long as they had to for her to arrive.

“Everyone... I’m here...”

They smiled, and turned their gazes to the familiar voice. A girl with silver hair gave them a small smile, attempting to catch her breath.

The brunette group stepped forward and offered her a hand up. She accepted, pulling herself onto the stage.

They stared at one another for a few seconds, and then pulled each other into an embrace.

“I wanted to do this for so long,” The silver haired girl sobbed.

The brunette nuzzled into the other girl’s shoulder, her tears landing softly on the dress she wore. “I know... I did too. I missed you so much.”

They hugged for a few more seconds, then reluctantly released their hold on the other.

“So, are we going to play?!” Ako asked impatiently. “We’ve been waiting forever!”

“We will... just give them a moment...” Rinko gently chided.

“I’m ready when you are my loves,” Sayo said, her guitar ready for use.

The two girls nodded, and got themselves ready.

A red bass, and a black microphone.

It was such a nostalgic feeling for the two of them.

The silver haired girl felt a surge of energy. It had been too long since she had been separated from the stage. She grinned, something she hadn’t done since she was a child.

“You seem pretty happy~”

“Of course. I’m back with my music and of course most important of all...”

She turned her head to her bassist.

“I found you Lisa, just like I promised.”

Lisa’s eyes widened in shock, but soon relaxed. She giggled lightly, giving her childhood friend her own teary eyed grin.

“You really did Yukina... thank you.”

Five girls stood on a stage.

They all had gotten there at different times and from different causes, but in the end, their destination, their end goal, was the same...

“Alright Roselia, let our music ring for all eternity!”

... for their bond was one that not even death could break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I go into anything about the writing, please check this out!  
> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VcCU6DQ3ac0  
> I found this rock cover of the song I used that Lisa wrote, Hirari Hirari, and because Roselia is a rock band, I have a feeling their arrangement would sound something like this. I wish they had released just the instrumental too. I would’ve loved to cover this version!  
> So, after reading this, go back and read Dear Roselia. I did, and the emotions I felt were astounding after I wrote this. I’m really happy with how this turned out.  
> I was originally going to do another part, an epilogue, but after some thinking, I realized that it didn’t need it. I decided to add what I felt as a good little epilogue at the end of this as a finisher instead. I felt that doing a whole other part would be a bit over kill. It would be stretching it too much.  
> I really hope you enjoyed this. I had so much fun writing this story. It was and amazing project to complete.  
> Side note: THIS WAS ALMOST 20,000 WORD WTF?! Yo, I'm actually really impressed with myself


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